In the transformation

 

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It’s 2 am and after repeating a nursery rhyme in my mind dozens of times, I finally resolve to just turn on the light. From my office I grab my laptop, and then settle once again in my bed but with screen and words, instead of darkness and thoughts.

There’s a restlessness in this transition. An unsettling.

There is no physical transition. No move from one residence to another. Or change of church or relationships.

I see this cocoon, a fuzzy creature inside, transforming, my fasting girlfriend tells me the other day.

A fuzzy creature. I smile at that image. But also feel the constriction of being wound up in a small place, with no where to go.

And it’s uncomfortable, this place of transforming.

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This place where no doing distracts and disturbs from the process.

I don’t like it. I want to return to the busyness, the constant buzz of people every evening, and the to-do lists of event plans.

Why am I not doing?

And I remember a conversation, one I had written at my other place a few months ago.

“I prayed for you before you came.” He leans back in his desk chair, legs stretched out in front, and hands balled in a fist under his chin. “But tell me your story first. What have you been up to?”

This was our first meeting. I’d seen him many times, speaking from the centre of our church platform. He is one of our main pastors, joining our church at least 6 years ago around the same time I began my journey back to Him.

I leaned forward from my position on his office couch. And began. I told him of my activities–leadership training, small group studies in my home, prayer walks I led, events I facilitated to raise monies and items for the compromised in my city, and most recently a mini ‘soaking’ retreat…

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“I’m not sure what’s next though,” I finished, leaning back, letting the couch support me. “I feel like I am not really one to bring people into the church, but rather to gather together believers and create a space for them to be with God.”

“We call that being a shepherd.”

I straightened up on the couch. Tell me more, my posture said. And he did. And it registered, my heart settled in a knowing that shepherding was my calling in the church.

Yup! This was it.

So, what’s next, I asked him. What can I do next?

“Lynn,” he said, leaning in, hands on his knees. “I am going to ask you a question. There is no right or wrong answer. Just going to ask you to answer what comes to you, truthfully. This is between you and God.”

“Ok,” I replied, and tucked my hands under my thighs, elbows locked.

“Do you believe in God’s goodness for you?”

I swallowed. Suddenly all my answers, my fluid musings and words spoken easily just moments before, were no longer available. Even now, at this moment, reflecting on that time, gathering words to describe that moment makes me instead pause.

How do you describe that space between wanting to believe in God’s goodness for you and really believing He does have goodness for you even when you have messed up in life, pushing away what is good in the confusion? And when prayers have not been answered? And when sometimes, the hurt you see in the world is just so overwhelming you find yourself looking up and wondering ‘where are you in this?’

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“When I was praying for you Lynn, before our meeting, I heard Jesus say to just be with Him, soak in Him, get routed in your identity in Christ and receive His gift of nourishment. He’ll let you know your next move. Be taught by God. And let Him love you as you are.”

My stomach tightens.

It is really my struggle, to truly believe God has goodness for me without the doing. And my biggest fear is without the doing, I will be isolation.

“Then pray, Lynn,” he advised. “Pray He will not put you in isolation during this time of getting more routed deeply in Him.”

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So today, now in this early morning hour, I ponder in this cocooning.
 Does the caterpillar know, as it molts into a shiny chrysalis, what colours and patterns will paint it’s wings?
Love you,
Lynn
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23 thoughts on “In the transformation

  1. Hi Lynn! I loved your pastor’s response to you. How true that is! Being a Shepherd sure sounds like a wonderful job, and I can absolutely see that in what you have done so far.
    Your question about wanting to believe, and really believing hits me right where I am. I find it a lot easier to talk about faith than to settle down and see what my faith level is. Patience is not one of my long suits, so I can relate to your restlessness. I’m so glad you had a great person to talk it all over with, so impressed that he prayed for you before you spoke.
    God bless you in this place of waiting and wondering,
    Ceil

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hear you when you say it is easier to talk about faith then to ‘settle down’ and let Him show us His faithfulness. Yet, there is so much joy in being able to give a testimony of His goodness and see how our story can help another transform into the butterfly beauty they are meant to be. Always blessed to see your comments here!

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  2. Lynn, I’m so glad to be reading your words here…not glad to hear of your struggles, but glad to hear I’m not the only one dealing with similar things. I go through patches of what I can only describe as hiding away through keeping busy…and I’m at it again…for me it’s the same root fear…I believe in His goodness, but at the same time struggle with the pain and deep sorrow I see around me. I keep thinking I’ve released it to Him…only to come back to the same point…it’s tiring! But transformation isn’t meant to be easy, I guess?! He wants much more for us than we would allow with our “safeguards”, I think. Thanks so much for this post.

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    1. You sound like you are very compassionate Anna. That is a gift! Maybe a good thing to always having to come back and release to Him is it continues a deepening relationship with Him. And a deepening trust.

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      1. Thank you, Lynn: it’s a gift He’s deposited in me, which I’m not always as receptive too, as I should be.

        Yes, a deepening trust: oh how I yearn for that.

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  3. Yes, being transformed truly is hard, isn’t it? Also to believe God has goodness for us even without the doing. I love the advice your pastor gave to “just be with Him, soak in Him, get routed in your identity in Christ and receive His gift of nourishment.” Blessings and hugs to you, Lynn!

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    1. Thank you Heidi! A soft heart that is open to being vulnerable to what He has for us instead of hardened in doing it our own way, is freedom isn’t it? Thank you for dropping by!

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  4. Sometimes we find it “really” difficult to believe that God loves us and has goodness for us. No matter how sinful we are.

    But this is OK. It is natural. Because it is in human nature to doubt, to question and to be confused. God knows that, because He made us so. And He loves and forgives once again.

    God bless.

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    1. No, I don’t feel isolated as believe He teaches us in the seasons when He has asked us not fill our egos with busyness. And it is not God’s plan for us to feel isolated. Being willing to slow down and wait on Him to fill my time rather than pushing my own agenda can be disconcerting! And I still might not be using my time as wisely as He would like. Thankfully He is patient!

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  5. Lynn, I so appreciate your transparency. It’s hard to believe God’s goodness when we look at circumstances around us or in our lives. Sometimes we have to look beyond what we know about life and what we see and lean on the truth of what we know about God, especially from His word. Sometimes, He has surprising ways of showing us His goodness personally. And for those times when it’s hard to see His goodness with human eyes, we have to trust that His word and His character are true.

    I hope your time in the crysallis is a sweet time of connecting more deeply with God.

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  6. I can relate, as I often wrestle with thinking I must be something to earn or merit His love and goodness. Like you, feel as if I’m in a transitional state as I learn, grow, and let Him do the work. Thanks for the encouragement, Lynn. 🙂

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  7. I sometimes struggle with grasping how much God loves me, apart from what I do and merit on my own. I too, feel somewhat in a transitional spot, trusting that He is working in me through this process. Thanks so much for the encouragement. Happy weekend! 🙂 (Sorry if you end up with two comments from me. I commented a bit ago on my phone, but it didn’t appear to go through.)

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  8. Oh Lynn! You write so beautifully… and this incredible reflection of your stillness and soaking season resonates so deeply with me. Your questioning comforts me, as I too have been in that place- often. I love how your pastor is leading you deeper into the roots of Christ. Find your nourishment there and trust in the hope and excitement of all the colors He is creating within you.

    I get chills just thinking about His workmanship and all He has planned for you! I understand the angst in not ‘doing, going, connecting, producing…’ Look at this season as training ground, where He is equipping you for your mission. You are in the school of Christ. This time is dedicated to preparation and the only way to do that is to pause. 🙂

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  9. Gorgeous word pictures! I understand this cocooning you are living and know that I am there in some ways too. There is not a lot of doing that seems to be God’s great call for my life but what is going on still has so much meaning. I pray you find the meaning in the quiet and in the stillness. God is always working on us- in the busy and more importantly in the quiet waiting.

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  10. Hi Lynn – I’m in that transitional place. Although I’m blessed writing, there’s a sense more is to follow. My pastor’s teaching on fear versus faith, defining unbelief and how it operates, etc. One quote that has stuck with me throughout these weeks: “Unbelief isn’t a struggle to believe. It’s the rejection of truth.” Receiving God’s Word as truth settles the issue. God said it, and that’s enough for me. The messages are online if you’re interested. You can email me for information. Hugs, Susan

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