What story are you telling yourself?

 

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Have you seen that new facebook feature? The one where you can share a post from a year ago. I haven’t participated but smile or maybe even raise an eyebrow, and click the ‘thumbs up’ from time to time when I see friends posting their past memories.

And my analytical, pondering, and forever-curious mind asks the question: What’s different for them today than from a year ago?

Has anything changed?

Does anyone really change? 

Have I changed?

Continue reading “What story are you telling yourself?”

Being single in a coupled church

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It’s been about 5 years since I first entered what is now my home church, on a cold December Saturday evening. I’d been exploring my faith again after many, many years of being away from the Christian church. But still always searching with the restlessness of one knowing there is a pursuant that he/she senses, yet turns to things of this world to satisfy.

For some that have shared their stories with me, it has been addictions in forms such as alcohol, legal and illegal drugs, and food to satisfy.

For me those things, those worldly ways to fill my always unsatisfied ego included the attention of men, the temporary satisfaction of being desired.

I was the perfect example of the ol’ saying: Looking for love in all the wrong places. 

I look back to a moment, divorced 12 years , driving on a rural highway. Broken, tears flowing from another bad decision, another chosen path of satisfying in the wrong place, when I hear Him.  Continue reading “Being single in a coupled church”

In the transformation

 

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It’s 2 am and after repeating a nursery rhyme in my mind dozens of times, I finally resolve to just turn on the light. From my office I grab my laptop, and then settle once again in my bed but with screen and words, instead of darkness and thoughts.

There’s a restlessness in this transition. An unsettling.

There is no physical transition. No move from one residence to another. Or change of church or relationships.

I see this cocoon, a fuzzy creature inside, transforming, my fasting girlfriend tells me the other day.

A fuzzy creature. I smile at that image. But also feel the constriction of being wound up in a small place, with no where to go.

And it’s uncomfortable, this place of transforming.

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This place where no doing distracts and disturbs from the process.

I don’t like it. I want to return to the busyness, the constant buzz of people every evening, and the to-do lists of event plans.

Why am I not doing?

Continue reading “In the transformation”

Reversal Changes

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The other day I was witness to a story of young lady whose life has been transformed in the past two months since she came back to Christ. There’s a lightness, a spirit of giddiness even, emanating from her every posture.

And it took me back 5 years ago to when I submerged myself in baptism, feeling light, free, and full of an endless horizon of hope.

Then months later the first crisis hit and enveloped me in a season of confusion and darkness.

I think of the many circumstances the Jewish people endured, often exiled into lands unknown, facing terrors I cannot even fathom.

When Persian King Xerxes reigned over 127 provinces from the citadel of Susa, a decree was issued to slaughter all the Jewish people living within the borders of the Persian Empire. (473 B.C) Also the decree, obtained and executed by the Kings prime minister, Haman, included confiscation of the Jews property.

All the Jewish people to die. Not even the women and children excluded.

And all property to be taken.

Dead and left with nothing.

Can you imagine the terror?

In every province to which the edict and order of the king came, there was great mourning among the Jews, with fasting, weeping, and wailing. Many lay in sackcloth and ashes. Esther 4:3

We see daily now in our newspapers, our social media feeds, and televised current events of people, women and children included, persecuted, slaughtered, killed for their faith. And images of survivors fleeing in terror.

And we may wonder, ‘Is there hope in this? Can it be changed?’  Continue reading “Reversal Changes”

Processing life

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My heels clicked against the hardwood floor, the only sound in the hushed church. I climbed the three steps onto the alter and positioned myself behind the podium, the microphone on, waiting to expand my soft, low voice.

The words black against the bright screen of my Ipad, I began. Began a speech I never thought I’d be delivering.

It wasn’t in my daily planner, to be delivering the eulogy at my father’s funeral mass last week. That Wednesday.

Life changed in a blink of an eye.

The call came on just the previous Friday, from my eldest sister, provinces away.

And by Saturday morning he had passed at 88 years old. A day later, a four hour flight east with my middle sister takes us there, to where he lives, lived, to gather as a family of five children, spouses, nieces, nephews, and grandchildren.

Honoring a life.

“Boy, did he ever worry about you,” a long-time friend of my dad tells me at the visitation.

I smile. Nod. I know.

I know the dream he had for me.

And what would have made my dad be less fretful, worrisome over me.

And he didn’t get to see it come true.

And that for me is one of the saddest parts of being in the living, while a loved one has passed on. I know what he wanted for me, yet I wasn’t able to give it to him before he passed on. 

I think that is the turmoil I feel right now. But not sure.  Continue reading “Processing life”